No Place for Secrets

Building Delta 34, Room: Sub-Basement 17 A, Location: Classified

Time: 9:58 am


Dr. A. Hartford: Transcript begin. Well it was mighty nice of you to show up on time.

Dr. R. Spader: Screw you, it’s a holiday weekend. I should be up to my neck in annoying uncles and roast turkey. What’s the big deal?

Dr. V. Carreaux: You didn’t review the prelims.

Spader: Look, princess, some of us have lives.

Carreaux: And some of us had to work to get here you son of—

Hartford:Transcript End



Time 10:11 am

Carreaux: The subject is a Caucasian male, approximately 17 years of age, healthy but malnourished with a history of Tourette’s Syndrome, diagnosed at age 11, treated with clonidine and topiramate then ketamine and transcranial direct current stimulation—

Spader: What in the actual [deleted] there is off-label and there is off the freakin’ trolley that is no treatment for tics.

Hartford: Well as you know Dick the boy has more than tics. He’s psychic. He involuntarily utters phrases, clairvoyant phrases.

Spader: [deleted]

Hartford: if you bother to read my notes. I was there when they bought him in from [redacted]. He knew my whole life.

Spader: Will someone get me the Amazing Randi this [deleted] is crazy.

Carreaux: Boys, I’m tired and the Amazing Randi is dead. Let’s properly examine the patient before jumping to conclusions. This could be a clever hoax or the cover of Time magazine.


10:27 am

[Patient X enters]

Patient X: I’m sorry, Dr. Hartford. I was so tired this late night. It’s worse when I’m sleepy. I didn’t know that was your cousin at first.

Spader: [deleted]

Hartford: Stop, just stop talking. It’s fine.

X: It’s not fffine. Shut up, shut your mouth no one needs to knnnow about Carrie and me.

[Hartford exits Room 17 A]

X: I didn’t mean to embarrass him.  He is a nice person and so lonely. He was so excited about me.

Carreaux: I understand. You don’t want to hurt anyone. Would you like a treat? The food here is on the bland side. Here take it. It is still sealed. I brought it from home.

X: Thank you. Strawberry I think I like strawberry. I remember liking red flavor KoolAid with my mom.

Carreaux: Tell me more about your mom. What else do you remember doing with her?

X: I can’t say.  I’ve lost details. All my personal memories are soft and mushy like dreams, you know. FFFake what a [deleted] fake. I should go ddddig up the Amazing Randi to get a load of this guy. Fake! I’m sorry miss. I didn’t mean to curse in front of a lady. LLady love.

Carreaux: it’s all right. You almost sound like Dr. Spader for a minute there. Don’t apologize. Can you tell me how you got that black eye?

X: I got picked trying to score some Special K. Crowded holding cells are not the best place to be telling secrets.

Spader: Ha! Read my mind. Because I know you’re a

X: Fraud!

Spader: Vivienne this is what you call a cold reading. It was popular during the medium craze and phony fortune tellers still do it. Someone who is skilled at reading cues and making guesses

X: Hou-Houdini! Mommy got me a book on Houdini. I learnt magic tricks to make her smile in the hospital. She said she would nnnever leave me! Pick any card Viv. I’m afraid all the time. Don’t leave me

Carreaux:  Richard no don’t

Spader: let go of me, Viv.

X: Richard I can’t let you go.  I want you even though you don’t see me. I never tttold anyone.

Carreaux: [redacted] why does your voice sound like mine?

X: [redacted] why does your voice sound like mine? Must regain control. Now tell me your first memory? Why do you think it is important?

[Spader and Carreaux exit.]

X: Patient refuses to answer direct questions. Diagnosis possible schizophrenia.

[banging sounds]


[cc: Maj. General S. Treff, Director of Parapsychology, U.S. Army Office]

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